As I Lay Dying
by SourSugarQuills
Summary: A OneRepublic Songfic of Cas' thoughts as he is in that lake. Secrets. Slight Destiel theme at the end.


_I need another story….Something to get off my chest_

Castiel laughed a sad, sorrowful laugh. Things were so easy then, so innocent. No Leviathans, no war with Raphael…Just him, Sam, and Dean, stopping the Apocalypse.

_My life is kind of boring, need something that I can confess…_

He wished he hadn't been so stupid. As though Dean wouldn't help him-Please. That's practically impossible for Dean-Family is everything, and Castiel is the best kind of family-the kind that isn't actually related.

_'Til all my sleeves are stained red, from all the truth that I've said…_

Blood came; it's not unusual, being in a near death experience, in an empty vessel.

He wishes he had told Dean before. Before everything went bad.

'Dean, Dean, Dean!' The Leviathans chime manically in his head. 'You're nothing to him now. Just another monster to kill, almighty "Angel of The Lord"!'

He could feel them smirking as they exploded into the murky depth of the water.

_Come by it honestly I swear…_

He never meant for any of it to happen. He just wanted to defeat Raphael, at first. Then, the souls became addicting, so much more than any human substance. He couldn't stop, and he regretted ever meeting Crowley. He regretted trusting him. He should have known better, but, as Dean would say, he was just an innocent child.

_Thought you saw me wink-no,_

Castiel shuddered as more oxygen was torn from his lungs.

Dean.

Castiel tried to apologize to him, but Dean had only brushed him off. If only he was able to do **something, anything,** to make it up to the elder Winchester brother. Of course, nothing could truly fix his betrayal, but maybe if he was just able to help him, somehow, the way Dean remembered him could have been different, better.

_I've been on the brink, so…_

The trench coat floated of his arms and up to the surface. He wishes he didn't do what he did, but it's too late now. All he could do was just lie there, as the remainder of his grace burned out. He could never stop the Leviathans. He knew that. They were hungry, old creatures that should never be let out of their cage. The Leviathan would tear their world apart, and when they did, he could only hope that maybe, just maybe, he would be able to see Dean once more.

_Tell me what you want to hear, something that'll like those ears,_

He only wanted the best for Dean, the best for all the good in the world. He only wanted to help them, the good, the innocent, and the faithful. But as they say, the road to perdition is paved with good intentions. It never occurred to him that perhaps the best way to do that was just to listen, and tell them what they want to hear.

_Sick of all the insincere_

He can't help thinking 'If only it hadn't been for Crowley, none of this would have happened,' but he knows better-if it hadn't been for Crowley, he probably would have died in a fight with Raphael. The only thing that would have changed would have been that he had not betrayed Dean and Sam.

Sometimes, he's just so sick of them all, Crowley, Raphael.

_I'm going to throw all my secrets away._

He was dying, and he knew it. There was no use in keeping anymore secrets. Not about Dean, or his own insecurity. That's what it was all about, really. He wanted to prove himself to Dean, not go running back to him every time he got into a fight.

He ran out of oxygen again. It took a morsel of his grace to fix him back up again, which wasn't really much, but his reserves were getting low. He was going to run out soon, and he knew it.

He'd never get to say goodbye to Dean.

_My god, amazing that we got this far_,

He's glad that he managed to stop the apocalypse, at least he got to do that. Something good to be remembered by, instead of Castiel: Angel who betrayed both his best friends and his brothers by siding with a demon and opening up purgatory just to bring out the Leviathans.

_It's like we're chasing all those stars_,

He remembers when he used to dream big. When he was "Castiel, Angel of the Lord," And so proud of it. He was a soldier then, but, at one point he was going to be a messenger, an angel following in Gabriel's footsteps. He brought the righteous man up from perdition, and that was a great task.

_Whose drivers drive them big black cars,_

Memories are brought back, Dean, Sam, the Impala. Gosh, Dean loved that car. It never made any sense to Castiel, but he understood that Dean felt affection for the car. Nothing that would rival his affection for Sam, though.

_And every day I see the news and all the problems that we could solve,_

He supposed he did it for the good of humanity, or so he wanted to think. After all, if you betray your friends, your **family**, would you not want it be for the good? For you to be right? But truly, he should have known it was not about that-he wanted to be loved, to be cared for. He was not god, he couldn't fix the world. He should have known, but he did not.

_And when a situation rises just write it into an album_

He wishes it was easy, like it once was, back then. Back when there was an apocalypse to stop, and no godly beasts. Where he was the one who raised Dean Winchester from perdition, and nothing else. When he was foremost an angel of the lord, Castiel second.

Sometimes, he think it would just have been easier if it was as the way everything was written.

_Seen it straight to go_

All of it, all of it was for Dean. Yet, somehow, it all crumbled.

_But I don't really like my flow, no_

He wishes he wasn't himself, some days. He wishes he had fallen when Anna fell, or maybe had became a pagan god, like Gabriel. He feels like such a sinner.

_So tell me what you want to here, something that'll like those ears, sick of all the insincere, I'm going to give all my secrets away…_

So, as the last of the oxygen is far away from his lungs, the last of his grace with it, he remembers Dean. Dean, the man he created. Dean, the one he gripped tight and raised from perdition. Dean, Michael's sword. Dean, the righteous man. Dean…

The one he loves.

AN: I hope you liked it! I don't normally do songfics-nor do I do oneshots, but today is an exception. So, I hope you enjoyed it, and I do not own Supernatural.


End file.
